Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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