life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
