You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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