She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
