I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
