i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
