Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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