If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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