I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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