The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
