So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
