We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Houston, we have a blender
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
