The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
