I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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