Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
