Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
