i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
