Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The power of my boobs compel you
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
