I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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