guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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