My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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