So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
