She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
