and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
