My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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