3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
