Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize
