Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
