I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
