I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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