I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
