Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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