From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
