I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
