Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
