I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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