Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
