Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
