____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
you made out with another girl for some wings
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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