Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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