Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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