can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
