you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
