I just made out with a guy for $7.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
