I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
