Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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