Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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