If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
