There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
