Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
