I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
